March 31 : AWHC Release Handicaps Amid Protest
The self appointed AWHC today officially released the handicaps for the 2004 Johnny Woodpecker Memorial Golf Classic today amid wild protests from avid fans of the players. It was estimated that approximately 5,000 fans protested at what they felt were some harsh handicapping from the AWHC who have been criticised for being "in fear of the Burg".

New AWHC spokesman Fraser (Krusty) Moors released this statement through his bouncer (name only given as Psycho): -

"There will inevitably be some ructions from the province ... generally attributed to one or two devils with a potato on their shoulder about Aucklanders running the show. They needn't get too hung up worrying about people in Auckland as the good folk in the city of sails don't worry about anyone from the provinces. In a modern democracy it is all about numbers and on that basis all of Auckland Handicap Committee's decisions will be binding"

Former champion Gary Trail has been installed as the bookmakers favourite (see odds) to win the JWMGC after a huge betting plunge from a Far North iwi saw his odds slashed to 5-1 to become the 1st player ever to win two Woodpeckers. It was believed the iwi were responding to the recently released handicaps where Trail was the only player to have his handicap INCREASED by the committee. Trail was unavailable to comment as he was doing nothing but released this statement through his spokesman Koro Wetere:

"E mahingia ana i tenei wa e matou he puka arataki mo te whakahuahua tika i nga kupu o te reo Woodpecker eh bro."

FINAL NOMINATIONS
Player	Alias	Country	2004 Hcap	Odds
Peter Hunt	Pistol		10	6-1
John Wikstrom	Wik		13	6-1
Chris Robinson	Robbo		13	7-1
Fergus Lee	Ferg		14	8-1
Dave Henry	Davo		16	9-1
Chris Wagstaff	Potty		16	8-1
Gary Trail	Gazza T		17	5-1
Alistair Ross	Ali		21	9-1
Mark Johnson	JJ		22	12-1
John Loveridge	Oose		22	14-1
Nick Flight	Flighty		24	15-1
Harry Bonning	Hazza		25	7-1
Dean Shaw	Deano		25	7-1
Simon Kerr	Sig		25	7-1
Fraser Moors	Fra		25	11-1
Simon Tremain	Sonof		25	15-1
Dave Woodard	Woodley		29	15-1
John Kelly	Jonah		30	10-1
Tim Burgess	Psycho		30	13-1
Dean Blackwell	Blackarse		30	7-1
Andy Donaldson	Utz		30	25-1
Alan Hucks	Hucksy		32	20-1

March 24: Boycott Looms for Prestigious Tournament
A dark cloud is beginning to hang over the Johnny Woodpecker 2004 with growing discontent from many of the pickled veterans as to the new handicapping system recently proposed by the newly formed AWHC(Auckland Woodpecker Handicapping Committe).



The proposal to cap the handicaps at a maximum of 30 was rumoured to have been proposed by Raymond Tidy veteran Donald Shaw who has subsequently left the country for fear of his own safety. AWHC spokesman Alistair Ross released a brief statement today regarding the possible boycott from many of the senior players: -

"Did you know that Almonds are grafted on to the stem of a peach tree as they are less prone to rot and the tree is likely to live longer? At Marsanta we know Natural Foods!"

In response the TAB have released an updated odds with a maxiumum of 36 handicap.

2002 Champion Speaks Out
Former champion Chris Wagstaff has spoken out today in an arranged press conference amid growing concern that he will be considering boycotting the tournament. Wagstaff, along with many other senior pros are considering the boycott in protest against the new handicap system implemented by the AWHC.

In reference to Alan Hucks, who has been affected the most by handicap capping, Wagstaff said: -

"At least he drinks his piss and contributes fully in the essense of the JWMGC, and doesnt sherck from his duties.......so f** the golf and drink some piss... I am sure golf was just an excuse to do some more drinking wasnt it?"

Wagstaff and the other players involved in a possible boycott are reported to be contemplating an anti-march against the forthcoming peace and harmony rally for children with Alcoholic parents.


When asked for his opinion on the handicap and about being the centre of attention in what could seriously affect the future of this classic tournament, Alan Hucks said:-

"Our shells are not your average shells picked off the beach in coastal NZ and in fact only one in a thousand will make the grade to be big and thick enough with brilliant depth of colour."

Bookmakers Updated Odds

Current Nominations
Player	Alias	Handicap (??)	Country	Odds
Chris Wagstaff	Potty	36		5-1
Simon Tremain	Sonof	30		6-1
Andy Donaldson	Utz	36		6-1
Dave Woodard	Woodley	36		6-1
Alan Hucks	Hucksy	36		6-1
John Wikstrom	Wik	12		7-1
Peter Hunt	Pistol	10		7-1
Fergus Lee	Ferg	16		6-1
Gary Trail	Gazza T	16		8-1
Harry Bonning	Hatchett	18		9-1
Dean Blackwell	Blackarse	24		9-1
Chris Robinson	Robbo	16		9-1
Dean Shaw	Deano	18		9-1
Simon Kerr	Sig	26		9-1
Craig Sidouruk	Sid	20		9-1
Brendon Horsley	Big Horse	14		10-1
Dave Henry	Davo	15		10-1
John Kelly	Jonah	15		11-1
Fraser Moors	Fra	22		12-1
Fraser Holland	Rolly	34		14-1
Mark Johnson	JJ	26		14-1
Tim Burgess	Psycho	26		14-1
John Loveridge	Oose	20		14-1
Alistair Ross	Ali	20		20-1
...list incomplete - awaiting further nominations and prosed handicaps

March 23: Masters never a Shaw Thing
In the greatest field ever assembled since Brian Talbot was a fresher, one thing is for certain; Dean Shaw faces a mountain of mushrooms if he is to become the first player ever to win back to back Woodpeckers.

Shaw, a noted winemaker from Dunedin, will be under tremendous pressure given that the tournament is held smack in the middle of a possible Gold Medal Pinot brew and pundents are picking that he will be lucky to make the Top 5. (refer Bookmakers selection)

A spokeman for the TAB said that there had been alot of betting in the last week, with a huge amount being put on John Wikstrom from his uncle Benny Bennerbennersen - the Used Furniture Magnate from Sognefjorden.

When asked about his sizeable investment in a nephew he had never met - Benny said: -

"Den grøne, frodige våren i Luster er særleg Wik er marther farker."

Handicap Controversy
Once again handicapping has dominated pre Woodpecker Clubhouse talk with the new ruling by the recently formed AWHC (Auckland Woodpecker Handicapping Committe) to have a maximum handicap of 30, thereby ruling out any chance for Wellington's Alan Hucks (TAB reclassified now at 500-1).

When asked why there is now a limit, Committee spokesman Alistair Ross of Marsanta Foods was quoted as saying: -

"At Marsanta, we search the world for the best and the most appropriate food ingredients, and then apply our innovative thinking to processing and logistics to ensure the best in service for our customers."

Bookmakers Current Odds

Current Nominations
Player	Alias	Country	Odds
John Wikstrom	Wik		5-1
Peter Hunt	Pistol		5-1
Fergus Lee	Ferg		6-1
Gary Trail	Gazza T		7-1
Harry Bonning	Hatchett		7-1
Dean Blackwell	Blackarse		7-1
Chris Robinson	Robbo		7-1
Dean Shaw	Deano		7-1
Simon Kerr	Sig		7-1
Chris Wagstaff	Potty		8-1
Craig Sidouruk	Sid		8-1
Alistair Ross	Ali		9-1
Brendon Horsley	Big Horse		9-1
Dave Henry	Davo		9-1
John Kelly	Jonah		10-1
Fraser Moors	Fra		11-1
Fraser Holland	Rolly		12-1
Mark Johnson	JJ		12-1
Tim Burgess	Psycho		13-1
John Loveridge	Oose		14-1
Dave Woodard	Woodley		15-1
Simon Tremain	Sonof		15-1
Andy Donaldson	Utz		25-1
Alan Hucks	Hucksy		500-1
...list incomplete - awaiting further nominations