Scientists in New Zealand now fear the worst after discovering that hair loss symptoms suffered by hundreds of New Zealand males may not have resulted from a pallet of contaminated lager kegs originating from Dunedin. Scientists originally tested the residue content in a random sample of kegs from a well known Dunedin tavern, and found what they thought to be a rampant hair eating parasite known as the lagerfolli.

The scientists originally linked the parasite to former tavern manager, Mark Medlicott, renowned cricketer and scratch golfer who came under the alias "Messy". Mark, a severe dandruff sufferer who hadn't been "using his deadly weapon" (but who instead softened his hands whilst he poured the lagers) may have been carrying harmless dandruff mites which went airborne and into the lager jugs, consumed en masse by most of the student population.

Once submerged into the beer, the innocent dandruff particle would soak up the lager cells, hang out with the hops and inbreed. The result, a mutant hair eating parasite known as the lagerfolli, which attacked the hair follicle in search of more beer.

Once inside the victims' immune system, the lagerfolli would lay dormant, and then indiscriminately attack the scalp (and in particular the hair follicles). Once gorged on the follicle, the parasite would chill out until hunger took over once again and it resumed feasting until it died from overeating. Depending upon the amount of lager consumed, the parasite could leave even the most hairiest Greek as bald as a badger.

Simon Kerr
Well known Otago rugby player was the first to notice the effects of the parasite. Once the golden boy of southern rugby with flowing blonde locks and an awesome touch finder, Simon started to notice early lagerfolli when his scalp started to itch (first sign of the feasting).

John Currie
Dunedin disc jockey and regular lager drinker was next to notice a significant reduction in his hairline. His long flowing locks, reminiscent of his idol Flabio international playboy, were soon being nibbled away at an alarming rate. A variety of hairstyles resulted but nothing could stop the full slapster developing as lagerfolli went on the rampage.

Soon, more students were finding that their beloved locks and tresses were beginning to dwindle at an alarming rate. No one was safe from the lagerfolli..............................until recently!.

(To view the the effects of The Lagerfolli move the mouse pointer over the images)

Scientists were recently baffled by two former Dunedin students that were previous carriers of the dormant lagerfolli but have shown to have no trace of the parasite in recent tests. Alan Hucks and Kirk MacGibbon (names changed to protect identity), both heavy lager drinkers, tested negative to any traces of the parasite and although both are undergoing further testing, scientists believe they may be the missing link to eliminating the follicular pest.

The missing links ?

They currently suspect that other substances taken whilst consuming the lager may have resulted in the parasite gorging on something it shouldn't have, or the fact that neither of the two students ever washed their hair.

Guy Lethbridge was just saved by the rampant lagerfolli by drinking only half pint lager shandys.

Further evidence that the parasite has spread outside of the Dunedin lager drinking domain has also been found. Two males, years apart (and not from Dunedin) have been found to have been carrying the lagerfolli for some time.

MORE NUDAS IN DISTRESS
John Barry and Scott Tucker(pictured below) are both known carriers, having had thick flowing hair reduced to stubble by the follicular pest.(Move the mouse pointer over images to view the new looks).

Mr Barry put some light on his dilemma when he suggested that he contracted the parasite whilst playing soccer in Dunedin and drinking with known "lagerheads", Dunedin City footballers Craig Riddle, Grant Plumbley and Maia Ririnui.(pictured).

Several of the larger lager consumers are now ending their battle with lagerfolli. A subsequent result of the confidence crash suffered from the progressive hair loss was the introduction of some spoony hairstyles. Great styles of the era were the swoop, the swifty swoopy, the shuffle, the gelled smooth over, and the tricky yet daring reverse comb over with length (complete with horizontal part).

As time has passed however, the trend is moving from the "how can they tell I've lost my hair" look to a gradual reduction in shearing from a No.6 long shaggy shuffle with a hint of swoop, down to a No.3, No.2, No.1 and finally: -

............................... the fully shaved nuda.

Scientists are continuing to investigate the unique phenomenon that is lagerfolli, whilst skeptics are continuing to refute these claims by saying that the hair loss is merely a result of male pattern baldness. Meanwhile those left completely bald are now looking for ways to sue the breweries for not only the hair loss but the substantial loss of income caused by drinking large quantities of lager.

WTC- Woodley Times Correspondent